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a vague sense of things

by MC Till

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    I have spent most of my life in religious circles. Months after I was born, a Catholic priest held me up during mass and baptized me into the universal faith. I spent 13 years in Catholic schools. Several of those years I attended mass three times a week. Then, in high school I began hanging out with those pesky Protestants and some Sundays I would fulfill my catholic duties by attending 6 a.m. mass and then head over to the protestant church a few hours later. I volunteered as a Christian mentor, worked at several different churches, and immersed myself into the “Christian” hip-hop world. Oddly enough, I never felt all that content with “Christianity.”

    But, there I was feeling a bit reluctant at every turn. I did read about Jesus and sincerely decided that it would be wise for me to follow His teachings and sayings. But, the problem was how? It seemed like everywhere I turned someone was telling me the correct way to follow Jesus. You have to act like him. You have to believe in him by saying the “sinners prayer.” You have to be baptized. You have to be baptized in this particular way. You have to believe in the literal interpretation of scripture. You have to have the Holy Spirit. And on and on the list went. It was rather unsettling.

    So, I left most of it behind and ventured off into an intentional community in a very poor neighborhood in Cincinnati. It was refreshing. No one told me the correct way to think or believe, but everyone showed me how they lived. Vulnerability abounded. I got to see people on a human level. I thoroughly enjoyed it and found great meaning there. I found that I did not have to know everything. I never will and that’s okay. I found that I could relax and let people be exactly who they are. They did not have to believe, think, or act like me. They could be free. And so could I. It was liberating. The crazy part about it is that I felt like I was actually following Jesus in a real tangible way. It was meaningful.

    Then, stuff went down. My wife and I were watching a movie one Friday night when we noticed a tiny little bug. Then, we noticed another one. And another one. Then we turned our mattress over and ______ (insert your favorite profanity here) we had bedbugs! Strike one. We got out of that house fast. A few houses later in the same community we realized that the kind old lady living in the apartment unit underneath us was an avid weed smoker. My wife is darn near allergic to even the smell of weed. We confronted our neighbor and it did seem to get better. But, then we noticed all kinds of traffic going in and out of her house. Turns out one of her relatives was in the pharmaceutical business, just not the legal kind. Strike Two.

    Finally, my wife got cancer. That was the final straw. We were just feeling way too much tension. We needed a fresh space: a new start. So, we moved.

    With a new place to live came a new job too. I applied and landed my current job as the youth program director at the Presbyterian Church of Wyoming. Did I just come full circle? - From institutional church world to crazy intentional-living world back to institutional church world? Yeah, sort of. And to be perfectly honest, it’s not too bad this time around.

    You see, this time around I have a different perspective on faith and the divine. I no longer see faith as a very narrow suspension of logic. I see it more as the unknown glue holding sanity together. I do not view the idea of God as a final, done deal. Honestly, I find it hard to even say I see God. It is more of an experience now: an experience that I will fail to describe if I try. So, I won’t. But, I do. The divine is that which I can experience. When I write songs about struggle or triumph in a sense I am describing a Godly experience.

    • “Village” finds an immigrant searching for meaning in a world that values some and neglects others. Could God be in there somewhere?
    • “Bird” reflects human desire to soar, to go behind feelings of comfort and find something better. But, can we? Could God help?
    • “Bang” gives voice to a relationship gone stale. Is God alive in the midst of a deadening relationship?
    • “Tree” questions the simplistic idea of human knowledge. Is God the author of our beliefs or are we? And is beauty inherited? Or do we become it?
    • “Man” highlights a disproved stereotype. If God is the creator of all creation why do we value some more than others?

    These songs reflect an ongoing journey as this album, “Vague…” is a discussion with myself. It is me looking into the mirror and describing what I see through storytelling, metaphor, and beats. It is my way of responding to God.

    You might not believe in God. However, I am sure you believe that each of us has the capacity to love, forgive, hate, and hold a grudge. Regardless of what we call this realm I am working to understand it better or at least experience it fuller. I want to write music that reflects this profound space within all of us. I am working on a vague sense of things. Join me.

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1.
2.
village 02:15
3.
everybody 02:08
everybody look happy everybody you, you, and you look happy you, you, and you look happy everybody look happy everybody you, you, and you look happy you, you, and you look happy everybody look happy take the mask off, everybody look crappy crappy past, no pops, no love, beat by a cop, mom on drugs didn’t show affirmation, no hugs communication at home, conflict resolution fightin’ for discussion, fightin’ to be heard, raise your voice louder, get hit harder, father slap daughter mom beat the boy, spare the rod, spoil the child do it with hate though, watch the child go wild sexual assault, suicidal thoughts the victim feels at fault no one gets caught bring on the onslaught, the reason why he fought what he been taught? Don’t talk, just fight yeah, that cat over there that looks alright inside is a match ‘bout to light that dynamite everybody look happy everybody you, you, and you look happy you, you, and you look happy everybody look happy everybody you, you, and you look happy you, you, and you look happy all right let me calm down and just try to talk just try to talk but... what’s the discourse. when young men can’t feel remorse what’s the discourse? when young women can’t feel remorse? mom & dad divorced but, never got married situation Harry, ‘cause nairly everyone thinks so little of it what’s it and What’s it all mean better question yet, what it’s it to you? what’s it to me? It is you at peace so that we can live free
4.
bird 01:50
the bird sits still she tries to fly the sky is filled and we don't know why she can't get up she can't spread wide she feels the sun fill the empty inside she has the means but, her mind is blurred to flap her wings would require a verb she can't perform she is stuck in the past the glory of her storm she can not act the past: we can not act the past: we can not talk the past: is not my fact the past: is always a fall she wants more she gets less she needs less she gets more (repeats)
5.
fall 02:05
6.
her 02:08
7.
bang 02:39
8.
tree 02:05
ugly trees grow in the winter beautiful trees sprout in the summer they say I am a no good sinner until my soul gets saved, makes me wonder about that tall lanky tree sittin' there all winter long all naked for man, woman, and child to see could it be that this is when the tree is more sacred? or at leas as much as i own a car and can drive anywhere i know a man, can’t afford a bus pass he works harder than me, life isn’t fair okay, now back to this tree do you decide its beauty at the root? okay, now back to this me do you decide my beauty and truth? it’s never how we see it it’s all in how we need it and want those needs to never be met but surpassed for the best
9.
cory 03:54
10.
man 03:27
11.
12.
cypher 03:02

credits

released October 16, 2018

Beats by MC Till
Lyrics by MC Till
Cover design by Amber Brown
Album Inspired by Posdanous of De La Soul

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Everybody's Hip-hop Cincinnati, Ohio

Everybody's Hip-hop Label is dedicated to advancing Hip-hop through the creation, distribution, and discussion of it. Join us at everybodyshiphop.com

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